A Young Widower's Tale
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Feelings on Dating Again Hi Widower, I am glad I found your writings because I needed to see that there are others that have gone through the same feelings I am experiencing now. I was married for 11 years to the most wonderful woman in the world. We often spoke to each other about how lucky we were to have found each other. Seven months ago my wife was killed in a car accident. My nine year old daughter and six year old son survived. I am having a hard time with the feelings I have about considering dating. I am relatively young (32) and I am really missing adult companionship. A few weeks ago I saw a woman and it triggered something I haven't felt in 15 years. It was like a childhood crush. Of course I was too shy to speak to the woman but at the moment it was a great feeling. Then came the guilt... I felt like I was letting my wife down. I have several friends that have been very supportive but I still wonder if they speak their true feelings. I thought of taking off my wedding band and putting it on the necklace I wear, which has her wedding band and anniversary band on it. This makes me feel bad too. My Mother-in-law is retired and helps with my children a lot and I feel she would be very disappointed in me if I try to move on this soon. Her husband died when my wife was in high school and her mother never pursued a relationship. She has commented to my children that I will remarry some day, but I think she would think it is too soon to be thinking of dating now. Of course, dating is something I know nothing about anymore. I don't have any single friends to go anywhere with, other than my father, and that would just be too odd. I am a very confident person in my business life and very confident when I don't have a personal connection to someone but I haven't talked to a woman in that manner, other than my wife, in a long, long time. I was wondering how you dealt with these feelings and dating again. Yours, J.D.S. *** J.D.S, Thanks for your email. I’m glad my writings have been helpful. The feelings your experiencing when it comes to dating (desiring companionship, feeling as if you’re letting you’re wife down) are perfectly normal. I felt the same way when I started dating again. I also had family members and friends that felt I was dating to soon (I started dating about five months after my wife died). However you can’t let the feelings of your friends or mother-in-law decide what you do. Unless people experience what you’re going through, most don’t realize that when you start to date again, you’re not looking to replace your first wife, love her less, or that you’re even going to remarry. Wanting the companionship of someone is completely normal so don’t feel bad or guilty about feeling the way you do. Life’s journey is more enjoyable when you’re in the company of another person. (You’re situation is a little more complicated than mine in that you have two children. Even though they’re relatively young, I don’t know how they’d feel or react to you going out with another woman. To some extent their feelings need to be considered. However, you know them best and will have to use your best judgment on how to handle them when you decide to date again.) I’m curious if you’ve ever asked your mother-in-law why she never pursued another relationship after her husbands death. Even though she hasn’t pursued a relationship, I’m sure to some extent she must know how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. There is nothing wrong with her decision not to pursue another relationship. But that shouldn’t dictate what you eventually decide to do. That being said, don’t start dating again until it’s something you’re ready to do. When you decide to go out with another person, you can’t be carrying around feelings of guilt or wondering if you’re doing the right thing. That’s unfair to the person you’re going out with and unfair to yourself. If you personally don’t feel the time is right now, then don’t do it. Dating again is something you need to be completely comfortable with before it will be an enjoyable experience for you. One final piece of unsolicited advice, and this comes from personal experience. When you do decide to date again and find someone you really like, take things slowly. I know the emptiness and desire that comes when a spouse is no longer your constant companion. A few months after I started dating, I became serious with another. I fell for her not because I was in love but because I enjoyed being close to someone and having her tell me that she loved me. Not only did it not work out, I lost a good friend in the process. When Marathon Girl and I became serious, we too thinks slow and made sure we were both in the relationship for the right reason. Taking things slow just helps ensure you’re becoming involved with another for the right reasons. Widower You Can Now Purchase Room for Two - 2007-08-31 |
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